The Pain of the Survivors

Brother.... my telescope awaits.

OK here we go with another non-tech blog post but for my own sanity I need to post this. However events like this demonstrate where technology truly stands in our lives. Technology is so very important today to how we live and carry out our daily lives. In fact, technology is what drives me in many ways.

However technology no matter how efficient and fun can not save any of us from what fate has in store for us. I learned this myself, for the first true time on October 4, 2013 when a drunk driver murdered my little brother.

Anyway the context behind this little post is just to say how much I miss Ian. We were 14 years apart in age and as a teenager I pretty much ignored him because I was so very busy. I am ashamed of myself for this. However when Ian turned into an adult he became so very important to me. Ian was always far right in his politics and later even trending towards right of the "tea party" while I was always an un-apologic Star Trek liberal. You must understand that our family is Republican in their thinking except for me and the family Kathy and I started way back in 1985. Ian had his own political opinions, and that was cool, and never bothered me at all. So this was OK and it never ever effected how much we loved each other. Other more important things like, music, sports and science were a cosmic connection for me an my brother which far our weighed silly politics.

Among the recent adventures together we recently went to see Roger Waters in concert and  toured the Yuengling Brewing Company (with dad) together. These in addition to our trips to the Rock 'n Roll and Football Hall of Fame are in the past with no future trips possible. Sadness surrounds what we could have done but also comforts me for what we have done together.

I have been dealing with sadness and pain in such a unknown manner these past couple of weeks that I am confused and a little scared. My body feels different. I don't sleep the same right now and even as I go through each day I feel different and a little more alone.

You are now part of the stars brother.

On the Sunday before Ian was murdered we stood on my deck, sharing a couple pints of our favorite beer, Victory Hop Devil and talked about Gage's experiences at cub scouts. Then we talked about my telescope and how Ian wanted to bring Gage to my house to look through it at the stars and moon. We settled on the next full moon when Ian would bring Gage over to learn about the telescope and astronomy with both of us. This conversation haunts and comforts me.

Then on that terrible day at the cemetery I stood outside of Ian's Jeep talking to Brianna and the children with the back open. There in the back where the rotors my brother had changed for me that previous Sunday. I had also give Ian a case of Hop Devil that day for his work. Another moment that will never pass for me. In fact I am haunted by these moments.

A couple of feelings I have grown accustomed to these past couple of weeks is grief and pain. They seem to never leave me. Now, if you know me you are aware that I have loved Star Trek my entire life and this terrible event has proven how grateful I am to have Trek in my life. Star Trek has always been, almost a family member to me since my earliest memories. For example as I have been struggling with this pain I keep thinking about Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. If you do not know of it - don't laugh.

It is in Star Trek V that Spock's estranged brother Sybok returns. Unlike the majority of Vulcans Sybok did not shun emotions and in fact turned to them. Sybok also believed he knew where GOD was so he used his Vulcan powers to reach into peoples minds to "release their pain" and in so doing do his band of supporters grew. Sybok's group of supporters grew and grew but he needed a starship to go where he thought GOD was. So of course in Hollywood style in decided on Spock's starship the USS Enterprise. Long story short.. Sybok finds a way to take over the Enterprise and most of it's crew, then he focus's on Kirk, Spock and McCoy. It is this scene that gives me a little comfort today. After "removing McCoy's and Spock's pain" Sybok turns to Kirk. The following scene plays out just after Sybok "removed" McCoy's pain. However as you can see, Kirk is having none of it.

 

 

As is usually the Case, Kirk is correct. We need our pain. I need my pain. For in it, my little brother will forever live in me. I accept it and take pride in it. Healing will take a very long time, but acceptance is the first step and from there we move on slowly and with humbleness. It is here that I find myself today.